Getting Real with
One’s Self

It’s very ironic that it’s exactly one year to the date of when I launched this website for you. And here I am writing you again. This says a lot.

I just wanted to place this into the atmosphere in case you ever revisit this site. I know there’s a chance that you may never see it since you have now blocked me, but my heart won’t let me move on without somehow expressing my feelings.

These last 2 weeks have been a living hell internally. There’s been so many times I’ve picked up the phone to call you but just couldn’t. It’s extremely hurtful that our story has reached this tragic space. I never wanted this. So many times, I’ve just told myself that we are just not good for each other. I’ve tried so hard to make us work but, in the end, I still end up being the bad guy somehow. AI, I know you sometimes say what’s the use of loving someone if the other person can’t feel it. I understand that position. But AI, I can’t let you walk away without you knowing that I really loved you. And I still do.

On Thanksgiving, that was a night that will never leave my thoughts. It was tragic. I know you want me to just understand you, but love, I really didn’t think that had to go down that way. It hurt so bad. It hurt that you were that hurt and upset over something I felt was so removed from the time and space that we were in at them moment. Love, you took that entire night out of context. From what I gather, you were really upset that I didn’t answer the phone when Vic’s mother called. I want you to know that I intentional chose to ignore her call with hopes you would see that whatever she had to say at the moment wasn’t important. I know she was calling to see when Vic was free to come over, but I still choose to place you first. I was attempting to show you at that moment, but I feel you missed my whole attempt and took it as a negative. The second thing you were upset about was when she called Vic, I told her to tell her I‘ll called back because I was talking to my mother. I apologize if I didn’t saw “we” were talking to my mother, but AI that was not to just intentionally not mention you. Her calling back-to-back like that was getting me frustrated and I just just said the first thing that rolled off my tongue, that I’m talking to my mother.

But love, please understand that we have been in a TERRIBLE space. Just hours before that moment, I was thinking I wasn’t even going to see you that day. We were just on a call with me trying to convince you to get Jules and come over and you said you were not. And I get that it was about me not mentioning Thanksgiving beforehand but love my mind has literally been all over the place with us. It was an honest sincere belief that you were already coming, and it was a given you were invited. I can apologize for that but please do not fault me for my mind being in so many different directions with you. Every time we talked leading up to that day, we were arguing and every chance I got, I was just wanting peace when we were in a good place. I was focusing on that so yes Thanksgiving was not on my mind when we spoke or saw each other. I want you to think about yourself for a minute. You always say God has happened to bless you with good guys. And you dated me for a while, are you really thinking I’m such a terrible guy that I would just avoid asking you to spend Thanksgiving with me? No! I’m not even that type of person and with you dating me, you should know that. No matter if we were not in a good place or not, I’d never not invite you AI.

I really truly feel you have forgotten the guy you met. The guy that would do anything in his power for you. The guy that changed everything for you. The guy that would go broke for you. The guy that sacrificed a cordial relationship with my BM for you and the things you opened my eyes to. The guy that loved and tried and tried and tried to stick with us when I knew things were falling apart. It’s been off for an entire year, yet I hung in there, through a lot of things. The guy that listened to you express yourself with all of your thoughts and problems you’ve had. I let you rant. I was your support. I was there for you. You’ve managed to throw all of the effort and energy I placed into you away and chose to focus on a false narrative. Yes, I’ve made some mistakes along the way, and so have you, but If I didn’t truly love you, I had plenty of chances to walk away. I choose to stay.

For month after month, all I have heard was what I’ve done wrong to you. And now that’s its all over, by the end, it just felt like you have treated this like I just been so wrong to you all the while you did everything correctly. That isn’t the case, love. There are 2 people in relationships, and you have chosen to focus on the feelings of one person, yourself. Though I wasn’t getting what I was needing, I never constantly accused you, blamed you, or battered you, love. So many things I just choose to place aside thinking you will come around someday. AI, I know my energy showed I was fed up and frustrated, but I never planned to leave you. I would just pray nightly that we figure this thing out and choose to hang in there. All the while you were just letting things build up and up and up, till the point you were willing to give it all up. Again, love, I made my share of mistakes, but out of everything you have chosen to accuse me of, I feel 80% of it was you inside your own head. I have to be direct at this point. I truly feel you fell victim to your own thoughts, and you let your own mind destroy us. Because most things we argued about wasn’t worth it, love. It wasn’t.

I however will take responsibility for some decisions I made early into our relationship, and that it may have caused you to get lost inside your mind and insecurities. I agree I should have done a few things differently. And for those things I sincerely apologize. I was a terrible protector of your heart. I didn’t do a good job early into our relationship guarding your mind.

Which brings me to the elephant in the room, Vic’s mother. AI, I know she has been the number one topic in your mind that kept you always on edge. And my early decisions may have had some influence on that. But AI, the honest to GOD truth, that woman means absolutely nothing to me. Nothing. Before you, I barely spoke to her with the exception of anything concerning Vic. And since I’ve meet you, she and I have been even more divided. I fought with her more in 2020 than I have the entire 5 years since I left. The irony of it all is you and I fought more about her than anything. All the while I was fighting with her. Do you have any idea the level of stress that can place on a person? Victoria is my heart and soul, and I will do ANYTHING for that girl just as you feel for Jules. The same love. Yet you chose to live inside your mind and judge me for the decisions I made instead of understanding just how much my daughter means to me. Especially considering how crazy you are over Jules, you of all people I thought would vibe with me and get it. But you chose to place your thoughts about her mother over thoughts of being there for me. That was an extremely lonely place you placed me in, love. And yes, you did bring some things to light that I was blind to, but you failed to realize the reason I was blind, My only daughter. The only thing I got when everyone else turns on me. And I get the thought process behind not wanting another woman having an influence on the man you are with. I get all of that. The truth is that should have never gotten to point where you placed her over us. I wasn’t even thinking about her until you pointed a few things out. I was content focusing on you and my daughter. That’s all I wanted to worry about. As long as she had no influence on what I chose to do with you and my child, she was a distant memory. I just wish you could have gotten to see my side of it all. It’s tragic that all it did was cause hurt and confusion for the both of us.

AI, love I never meant to hurt you. I so wanted to just take care of you. I wanted to go conquer the world and bring it home to you. I wanted you by my side with a focus only on God, our family and building an empire to leave to them when we are gone. But we let so many other distractions come in. It should have been about us and us only. And I apologize that my heart had gotten a little rigid due to always feeling like I can’t do anything right or make you happy. It’s frustrating as a man to feel like he can’t please his woman. His woman is the only thing in his life that he feels he is getting right. If he’s out in the world not accomplishing his dreams and and not living up to the world’s expectations, then he has to come home to not living up to his woman’s expectations, that makes him feel less of a man. Like a failure all around. You were supposed to be my rock, my anchor, my teammate when the world is turning on me. That was the frustration you were hearing out of me. It felt hopeless. But either way, I wish I could have shown you more love, the very thing that was in my heart.

AI, as you move on in your life, just know I am human. I fall short sometimes. I miss the mark sometimes. But in no way was it a reflection of how much I loved you. I wanted it to work, love. I really did from the depths of my soul. Though I do know there are many things to be sorry for, but the thing I’m most sorry for is that you never felt my love. This my deepest regret. Please just know I’m not the only person that falls short. You do as well. And you have to look into yourself and realize that maybe you played a part in this as well. And that I’m not totally to blame. As you do move on to the next man, please don’t overthink his decisions and situations. You’re not perfect so do seek a perfect man. As long as he is showing you that he cares for you and has your best interest in mind and will do anything for you, don’t push him away with accusations. I so wish I could have been the one to bring you the world. In my heart I still want to be that man. But seems to me you are far too gone. Maybe too much damage is done. I get it because I hurt too. Yes, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t wish we could start over. Because I do. But at this point, all I can ask for is for you to someday read this letter, and realize I love you to death, even if it didn’t work out between us. I love you AI. Even though I am able to see your imperfections, I still see you as the Queen that you are at heart. I just pray someday a woman will see that King in me. I wish you health, love peace, blessing and prosperity, my love. I will forever love you.

#FOREVERANDEVER